I have an idea that I should write a blog post at least once every two weeks, probably so that I don’t lose momentum and grind to a halt; but this week it is so, so hard.
Last Friday I took a bit of a ‘mental health day’. The day before, Ryan had taken a day off work (for basically the first time ever), N was at daycare, and we went to Brisbane for the day.
It was a shitshow.
We went for breakfast (again, something we never ever do) and Nate basically ate a teaspoon of vegemite, before smearing whatever was left all over himself. He then got too distracted by the play area and forgot to let us know he needed the toilet, and he left for daycare, post-clothes change and mid-tantrum.
We eventually made it to Brissy, against the will of our four-month old, and then my phone rang.
N had vomited all over the floor, and told daycare that he had been to the doctor.
He had.. two months before.
For his brother’s check-up.
I then had to explain that we were well over an hour away, he had not been unwell, and perhaps it was the teaspoon of vegemite he managed to eat for breakfast.
We did what we had to do in Brissy and came straight back.
So, on Friday I woke up feeling totally disheartened and unmotivated. I went for a walk, followed by a coffee and another walk with a friend, and a complete day of ignoring my study/blog/responsibilities/life.
Fast forward a week and I have been super productive.. I have been accepted to work as a story reviewer and submitted my first two reviews, I studied a bit, agreed to a good, regular swim teaching shift beginning next month, exercised twice and covered a swim teaching shift (my first since bub came along – both kids and Ryan survived), so surely writing a blog will be easy, right?
The problem is, I am so, so torn.
I am torn between focussing on my immediate world, or the entire world.
I am torn between looking for positivity, and seeing negativity.
I am torn between understanding, and outrage.
I am torn between acceptance and defiance.
I am torn between feeling as though now is the time to speak out, or feeling as though now is the time to listen.
To really, really listen.
I also feel as though if I actually began to explain my feelings about the US election, I would never stop. It would spread into everything, and I would probably manage to offend many, many people.
I don’t think we need any more division. I know I definitely don’t.
So I’m sorry for the non-post. For the words with no direction. For the non-explanation and the not-very-interesting; I just needed to fulfil a personal promise.
Be kind. Be kinder than you have to be.. to everyone, and to yourself.
I think we all need it.